關於花花

mindful, morning routines

What Are Limiting Beliefs and How Do You Squash Them?

By fafa:

These days actually I did not trust myself make my dream come true. I did not trust me that I could pass the exam; I did not trust me that I could get his love! Also, I did not trust myself that I could find a true lover and live a happy life.

So what did I do then?

I doubt everything. I did not trust the universe to bring everything that I want to my side.

I feel tired easily and resisted everything.

So from now on, I would like to stop thinking about this kind of things.

TRY to force myself to trust!

If no belief, nothing could happen.

No matter what others think or do, stop squeezing yourself in energy level.

Start!!!!!!!!!!!

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The difference between a Truth and a Belief:

A belief is: an acceptance that a statement is true or that something exists.

A truth is: that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

But, what is a limiting belief?  A limiting belief is a belief that has been instilled in you since childhood or that you have come to believe over the years to be true that limits your view of yourself and the way you interact with the world.

The problem with limiting beliefs is that they aren’t true, they limit you from reaching your full potential (whether in life or love or career or finances) and often you don’t even know you have them.  A belief is NOT a truth.  Remember the difference.

LOVE

Due to my childhood sexual abuse I carried around a belief that “men only want me to serve their own purposes”.  I didn’t believe this consciously, but it was always there in the back of my mind.  As long as I believed it, in any way, shape or form I was going to attract a man who would do that exact thing.  So, I did.

One day,  I decided that belief wasn’t really a truth and that I could believe something else!  Instead of the negative, limiting belief, I could believe that I am a beautiful, sexual, amazing goddess that men flock to and desire because of my intelligence, kindness and warmth and they will want to be with me forever.

Believing something positive removes limitation.  Believing something new changes your energy.

What happened next?  My ex-boyfriend, who I thought I had made a mistake breaking up with contacted me and wanted to see me again.  Changing my belief changed my life.  Although that mistake turned out to have not really been a mistake and leaving him really became the best thing that ever happened, the truth is that I had changed myself and I had changed the course of my future relationships.

What are your limiting beliefs about love? What do you tell yourself about love and relationships? Deep down inside what do you think?  Do you think there are no good men out there? No one will really ever love you? No one is honest? Every guy cheats?  You don’t deserve love?

Think about your belief system.  Is it your thought a truth or a belief?  Do the things you think about love and relationships serve you or limit you?

If you think or believe (whether consciously or subconsciously) you will never find love what do you think the universe will give you?  Nothing.  The universe certainly isn’t going to bring you love if you don’t think you deserve it

If you think you will find love and that the right man is out there for you if you keep trying what do you think the universe will give you? Love.  Yes, the universe listens to your thoughts whether you know it or not.

The difference between the two thoughts in regard to love are scarcity versus abundance.  The first comes out of scarcity and the second comes out of abundance.

If you want to continue to live in scarcity by all means maintain your limiting beliefs, but if you want to live in abundance and have love flowing into your life then get rid of your limiting beliefs and not just on the surface. You have to get rid of them at the very core of your being.

MONEY

Many people have limiting beliefs about money which are often handed down through generations.  Because my father was a blue collar, hard working truck driver my limiting belief was that the only way I could succeed in life was to work really hard and basically kill myself working for others.

I decided THAT isn’t a truth either!  It was only something I had learned to believe.  I decided I could believe something else. I could believe that money comes to me easily and that I can work for myself and create my own future and my own wealth.

So, first I started working on this blog. A week later my mom had to distribute some money from an annuity so she gave me $2,500.  It was from my mom, and I really didn’t work for it, but hey I still manifested money, right?!  It was working already!

What do you think about money?  Do you think you will never have enough?  Do you think you will always struggle?  Is money something you have decided cannot possibly come easily?

Of course it is easier for rich people to make money or for those born into wealth to obtain more wealth, but it doesn’t mean you can’t be wealthy.  Wealth doesn’t have to mean a private plane and a yacht.  Perhaps wealth would be earning $100,000.00 per year and sending your kids through college.

Figure out what your limiting beliefs are about money.  Then, decide what you want to believe instead and start believing it.

SUCCESS

I’m still struggling with this one, but instead of telling myself I will go nowhere, that I will never be able to succeed on my own, that I need the security of a 9-5 and that this blog won’t change my life I am starting to believe I can create my own reality.

I am telling myself that I will not fail, that even those who do fail do not fail forever and that failure is only a starting point for trying something new.  I am losing my limiting beliefs about personal success. Never quit.  Failure is not always what it seems to be.  Failure in fact is often a road to success.

What do you believe about success?  Do you believe you have to work at a 9-5 job continually a slave to a corporation?  Do you believe you can’t do anything other than what you are doing now?  Remember, this is a belief, not a truth.  You can be anything, do anything, create anything.

CHANGE

How do you crush limiting beliefs?  First, figure out what they are. Then, just stop believing them.  Whenever you start to tell yourself the limiting belief replace it with the opposite. Do it. Over and over and over.

In the end you can stay the way you are and you can maintain your limiting beliefs and live in a world created by others or you can begin to create your own reality and your own world.  Which do you think will make you happier?

Change is going to happen whether you want it to or not.  Do you want to be an agent for change or do you want to struggle against it?

mindful

How Do You Keep Going When You Want To Give Up?

Has it been years since you had hope?

You keep hoping that things will improve but it doesn’t.

Everyone seems to be getting ahead but you seem stuck in the past. The catastrophic breakup or divorce seems to be holding you back and you can’t seem to shake it.

You want to come up for air but you feel like you’re just pulled in too deep under water.

Life doesn’t seem fair.

You just want to disappear and give up.

What’s the point after all? Some people are lucky and get what they want. Some people live their dreams, travel the world, marry their soulmates and have smart children.

Life can be so frustrating for those of us who are waiting on the sidelines of life. We watch the game of life passing us by while everyone we know is doing so much better than us.

Others making their families proud.

Others doing what they’re “supposed” to be doing with their lives.

Others are achieving success and recognition.

It can be frustrating and demoralizing to be behind and to wonder when life will fall in place for you.  When will life push you ahead?

When will you meet the man of your dreams? When will you have children? When will you buy your dream home? When will you bring home a fury companion? When can you post a happy moment on Facebook?

When can you feel joy and happiness again?

It’s been a long struggle. It may seem like your entire life has been a struggle. Why is it so easy for some people and so difficult for you?

I get it. I know it. I hear every word you’re saying because I’ve traveled the same path as you.

So, how do you keep going when you want to give up?

Well, first take a deep breath and then another. Take another breath. Breathe in and breathe out. Don’t let the unfairness or injustice of life weigh you down. As heavy as it is, a simple breath can help you feel lighter. A simple breath can release the tension and help you get more present. Take as many breaths as you need to relax.

Next, remind yourself of where you’ve been. You’ve gone through some hard times. Unlike many others, you’ve struggled and come back from places others can’t imagine.  You’ve grown as a person, you’ve learned lessons, you’ve gotten life experience that you can’t pay for or buy.

While it may seem like you’re drifting backwards in the ways of the world, you’re actually a lot further than you think. You may feel like you’re behind your peers and family but look at how far you’ve come.

You’ve stood strong in the face of hardship and challenge. You got up and left the house when you didn’t feel like it. You showed up at work when you didn’t want to.  You got out of bed when you feel like you couldn’t. You helped others when it felt like you couldn’t help yourself. Value these small steps you’ve taken.

No, you may not have love and family. No, you may not have achieved your careers and dreams. No, your life may feel unsettled and uncertain but here’s what you do have: self-knowledge, self-resilience, wisdom, compassion, kindness, empathy and understanding.  You have skills and tools that people will never acquire in their lifetimes.

Because you’ve gone through struggle, you know how to be there for someone else who is suffering.

Because you’ve found yourself on the bathroom floor, you know what it takes to get up from your life’s worst moments.

Because you’ve sat in church pews wondering if there was a God, you know where to find truth and wisdom. You know how to access the divine.

Take some time to count the small blessings that you do have in your life. Yes, your old life is gone and the past you cherished no longer exists but what have you welcomed in? Did you find freedom? Did you find resilience? Did you find achievement? Did you find spirituality? Did you find friendship?

Look at all the small things in your life that you’re grateful for. Be thankful for home, warmth, food, family, neighbors, work that pays you and transportation to get you there. Be thankful for small acts of kindness, big acts of courage and giant acts of love that you’ve shown over the years.

Acknowledge how far you’ve come as a person – how you picked yourself up and became a new “you”.

You have fallen so many times and fallen hard but unlike many others, you’ll bounce back. You’ll rise each time you fall. Remind yourself how many times you’ve done it. Take comfort in your resilience and find courage in your strength. Yeah, you did it! You got back each time and you know how to get back up every time life throws something worse at you.

Life takes time, sometimes much longer than you would have ever wanted it to take.

Instead of demanding life deliver for you or blaming life for not coming through, trust that your life will fall into place at the right time.

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Remember the story of the rabbit and tortoise?  The speedy rabbit hops off to a promising victory only to be passed by the steadfast tortoise who puts one leg in front of the other and keeps going until she crosses the finish line first.

It may feel like you’re inching away at your life but you’re going to get there. Slow and steady patience always wins the day.

You’re not going look around you and see what others are doing with their lives. There’s no point in comparison and you don’t win by playing someone else’s game. Focus on how to keep going until you win your game.

Society defines success for everyone in the same way. You don’t have to play by those rules of success.

Success doesn’t have to be marriage by 30, having kids a couple years later, buying a house a couple years later, and sending your kids off to college even a few more years later.

Yes, that’s the story they tell us but that isn’t the story you have to live.

You can create your own story. You can remain true to yourself. You can show up in the world as who you are. You don’t have to compare yourself to others or strive to be someone you’re not.

  1. Take a deep breath
  2. Remind yourself where you’ve been
  3. Count your blessings
  4. Be patient
  5. Trust life
  6. Surrender
  7. Ignore those around you
  8. Don’t play by society’s rules
  9. Stay true to yourself

You’ve done this so many times – over and over and over.

Walk on your own path. Take your own time.  One day in it’s own way, life will smile down upon you.

In an instant, you will see your scars as the very thing that prepared you for your success.

Your success may come next year or the year after.

You just have to treasure this moment in front of you.

mindful

How to Deal When You Feel Frustrated and Hopeless

By

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“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo

Last year, my life was in ruins.

I had to visit two different hospitals almost every day of the week. At noon, I’d watch my grandmother suffering on her deathbed. In the evening, I’d sit beside a close friend who’d fallen off a building, broken his spine, and couldn’t even go to the toilet on his own.

All the while, I was toiling in the dark every night until the sun rose. I needed to save my career, which was on the verge of complete failure.

Nothing seemed to be working for me. My life was hopeless. Worse, being a natural introvert with few friends, I had no one to turn to. I couldn’t even find one person to share my burden with.

Every day was a struggle. I would take one step forward and two steps back. I was stuck. I was losing my strength to inch forward because I realized nothing I did would ever work.

I thought I was destined to be homeless and lonely till the day I die (which I thought was not that far off, by the way). There was no way out.

I know things may be hard for you too. Perhaps, like me, you march on to fight the same battle each morning, only to end up losing every time. You may feel defeated, hopeless, and depressed every night.

All this frustration and agony drives you insane. You wish you could scream at the top of your lungs and just quit.

But I got through the darkest time of my life to date. While I’m sure a much darker and harder time awaits me, I am not afraid anymore. Even if it comes, I am confident I can smile at it from my heart, because now I know, from experience, how to properly deal with it.

1. Don’t try to stop feeling hopeless in any way, not even by meditating.

If you feel defeated and sad, don’t force yourself to feel otherwise.

Whatever you’re feeling is a huge rolling snowball. Fighting it in your head is like trying to stop the snowball by throwing more snow at it. Instead of stopping it, you only make it bigger and faster.

Likewise, you are giving too much importance to your hopelessness if you try to fight it directly with your mind. You are only feeding into its momentum.

You might think meditation is the key to feeling better, but it can’t help you numb your emotions. I know, because I’m an experienced meditator and I’ve fall into this trap.

When I was struggling, I tried everything to make the pain go away: walking meditation, observing my emotions and thoughts, focusing on my breath. The result? I felt worse.

Why? When you try to get rid of an emotion, you are actually just wrestling with the emotion in your head.

When you meditate not for the sake of it, but to stop a certain feeling, it’s no longer meditation. It becomes just another vain attempt to suppress your emotions.

2. Engage your mind by doing what’s fun, not what’s right.

Don’t dwell on the hopelessness. You need to do things to get you out of your head and into your body.

And no, you are not going to do anything purely to suppress your emotions. It doesn’t work. Instead, do things because you like to do them.

What do you do for fun? What do you do to relax? What you normally do when you feel bored?

Don’t force yourself to do anything just because somebody says it’s good for you. Not even me. Running is good, no doubt. But what’s the point of forcing yourself to run if you hate every second of it?

Discover which activities are fun and engaging to you personally. These activities engage your mind and body the most, and they can take you into the present most effectively.

Make any healthy choice that makes you feel better. Watch TV, eat a little dark chocolate, play video games, surf the Internet; just be sure to stay away from drugs and alcohol, which will only make things worse.

Me? I did things I’ve never done before: downloading an addictive mobile game, eating fatty foods (in moderation), and reading YA novels (blush).

Balance your life with some truly relaxing “you” time. This is the time where you take all expectations off. No self-improvement, no studying, no work, no meditation. Nothing. Just play, and do whatever calls to you. This is what self-care really is.

When you do this, you completely disengage yourself from your overwhelming sense of hopelessness. And while the snowball will still roll on in the background, it will end sooner or later because you won’t be feeding into its momentum anymore.

This is how you really stop resisting your emotions and thoughts. This is how you really let go.

3. Put your worries on paper.

When you are hopeless and worried, you live in your head. You keep reminding yourself of the same hopeless future projections again and again.

When your worries exist in thought form, you can never solve them. Problems look bigger than they really are. This is why often we turn a small problem in to a big one.

Just sit down for a moment. Take time and write down all your problems on paper. When you do this, you stop dwelling on them because you can physically see them with your eyes. Problems will become real objects you can analyze and solve hands-on.

And even if a problem still looks huge, you can now break in down into smaller and easier chunks—something you wouldn’t be able to do in your head entirely.

4. Create your destiny, starting with your dishes.

You can’t expect a deus ex machina.

Sure, luck plays a huge part in our lives. But when you are stuck in a rut, you have to save yourself. Even if you can’t, you still have to take action to ask for help. Things will not miraculously get better on their own. Dwelling and sulking is not going to make your seemingly hopeless life any better.

I understand it’s very hard to take action when you feel depressed or frustrated with life. But taking action is your only way out. The good news is, you are not stuck. Your life isn’t hopeless. You can actually get up and start moving again quite easily. Here’s how:

Once you’ve written your worries down, target the easiest problem you can solve without much effort. To make things even easier, break that already easy problem into extremely small chunks and work through it one step at a time.

Say you are feeling hopeless about your failing career, just like I was. But as you brainstorm your problems, you discover many other trivial problems, such as a faulty computer, a messy room, or even a pile of unwashed dishes.

This is good. For now, forget about your career and work on the small problems first.

Why? Because if you got yourself a good computer, you may work more efficiently. If you now have a tidy room, you’ll be calmer and more relaxed. You’ll sleep better. This gives you more energy and focus with your career, too.

Truth is, anything you do will begin a positive upward cycle. The more trivial (but related) problems you work on, the easier your bigger problems will become. So take some pressure off, and just focus on tackling that one tiny and easy task at hand.

The Biggest Secret That’ll Get You through The Darkest of Times

I am not going to lie. Eventually, you will face a challenge that will be your last one—we all will. But likely not this time. This will not be the end. Think of all the struggles and hardships you’ve gone through. No matter how vividly painful and traumatic they were, you somehow managed to get through.

On the outside, you may look weak and worn-down. But I know that deep inside you are a strong soul. And I know that just like before, you will survive, and you will become even stronger because of it, just like I did.

So don’t worry. Don’t even worry about trying not to worry. Whatever happens, just remember the only thing that matters is the process. Ignore the urge to fight your feelings, and focus on finding your own balance between action and self-care.

If it helps, remind yourself this daily:

“As long as I am consistently taking care of myself and taking tiny steps to create positive change, I will come out a better and wiser person in the end.”

And then, put all your trust into yourself and in your actions. Believe what you do will get you out of this nightmare. This is the biggest secret that will get you through the darkest of times.

I trust you. And I want you to trust yourself. When you do, not only will you truly let go, you will also be able to look at your difficult life and smile from your heart, because you know victory will be yours in the end.

mindful

The 6 Struggles Of Being A Person With High Expectations

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Sometimes the eternal pessimism of life leads us to tell optimistic people that they will never find the career, relationship, friend or apartment that they want because their expectations are too high.

But, really, what’s wrong with having extra high expectations? Sure, you get let down more, but you are also much more likely to know what you want and to never settle for something that simply won’t make you happy.

I’m one of those people with high expectations, and sometimes it is difficult to feel like you’re not asking for too much. Here are six struggles of being a person with high expectations.

1. You Always Want To Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt, Even When You Shouldn’t

You will never assume that someone has poor or hurtful motivations until they tell you so or until the evidence is painfully overwhelming.

This leads to a lot of let downs when it comes to friendships and romantic relationships, but you just can’t help that you have a lot of faith in people. Most of the people in your life live up to your high expectations and then some.

2. Your Trust Is Hard To Get Back Once It’s Lost

This struggle is directly connected to the last. You have high expectations for the people in your life, so when one of them lets you down, you’re surprised and hurt, and you don’t want to let it happen again.

Letting someone who couldn’t live up to your expectations back into your life sounds like settling, and you don’t do that.

3. You Expect People To Be Their Best

You like to be surrounded by people who inspire you and work hard for what they have. It really peeves you people think self-improvement is synonymous with changing who they are. There’s always room for personal growth in your eyes.

This struggle also flares its head when people hurt you. When your friend has a bad day and accidentally takes it out on you, it can affect the rest of your day. You feel really disappointed and let down when your friends or romantic partners make mistakes, and you have to mentally remind yourself that everyone is human.

4. You’re Really Hard On Yourself

You’re hard on yourself in your career, in your relationships and in your emotional and physical health. Cutting yourself some slack is always easier said that done, and sometimes requires a glass of wine or two.

5. You Hate Having “Off” Days

You expect so much of yourself that when you’re feeling down, you don’t know how to just sit with it. You overanalyze your feelings and try to figure out why you’re feeling them or how you can fix them.

Then, you feel bad about feeling bad if you can’t make yourself feel better in five minutes. In order to deal with something that’s emotionally challenging, sometimes you just have to binge watch something on Netflix (and feel bad about it while you’re doing it).

6. You’re Great At Reminding Yourself Of Your Worth

You have high expectations for a reason: you owe it to yourself. Being hard on yourself makes you work hard and totally determined to give people the best version of yourself.

You put your heart into everything, and that’s why you expect the same of others. You know you’re worth the effort and time, and your expectations remind you of that.


Then how to deal with high expectations?

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We all have expectations in our lives: what we want out of life and who we want to become. I believe one of the keys to happiness lies within the management of your expectations of people and circumstances. If you do not have expectations, you can never be disappointed. Often we tend to believe that the way we treat others will be the way we are treated in return. But, unfortunately, this does not always happen.

You need to make sure you enter into relationships with someone who has as big of a heart as you do. If you do not, you may feel as if you are being taken advantage of or are being shortchanged. You need to find people who appreciate what you do for them and who will reciprocate these actions.

“There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations.”

Having realistic expectations will allow you to accept the flaws each person has. We need to learn how to take responsibility for our own lives and our own decisions before we can expect others to do the same.

One of the biggest challenges we face in life is learning to accept people for who they truly are. Once you realize that your expectations cannot change people, the better off you will be. The problem will arise when the expectations do not materialize. If you find that you are going out of your way much more than the people you surround yourself with, it may be time to find a new group of friends.

“Give without expectation, accept without reservation, and love with hesitation.”

Unrealistic expectations will, can, and most often do lead to disappointment. Too many people are obsessed with finding the perfect career or the perfect spouse, and as a result become increasingly frustrated when this does not pan out.

An unfortunate pitfall of having high expectations in certain circumstances is that we prevent ourselves from enjoying the experience altogether. If you feel this way in your life, you need to readjust your expectations. Do not expect things out of situations, just go into them with an open mind. This will allow you to fully immerse yourself without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

When you have unrealistic notions for people, you place yourself at a high risk of getting disappointed and hurt. Maybe someone did let you down in certain aspects, but isn’t it inherently unfair to have these people on such a pedestal? By maintaining an accurate awareness of your own realities, you become able to determine what is truly expected from others.

“Expect the unexpected, believe in the unbelievable, and achieve the unachievable.”

Such disappointment can lead to several outcomes, including trying to get this person to change and an increased anger toward the person who is causing the disappointment. This becomes problematic since the fault lies with you for putting such pressure on this person.

There is a paradoxical issue when it comes to this. If you have high expectations, you can often end up disappointed, but if you don’t have these expectations, you may not try as hard as you could in order to accomplish a goal. These tendencies can turn people into perfectionists, which is far from a healthy lifestyle.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”

Expect what you can, reach and be aware of the fact that sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Try to remain confident while maintaining positive aspirations; just remember not to make these aspirations so high that they are impractical or unreachable.

Acceptance is an amazing trait that needs to be actively worked toward. When things do not work out the way we had planned, it is much more beneficial to realize that is how life works rather than becoming frustrated at the situation. Have hope rather than expectations and you will tend not to be as disappointed.

happiness, travel

Let’s rock dragon 2017!

Last week, dragon 2017 connected hundreds of young Chinese people from different parts of the world to meet, communicate and enjoy the time together in Hong Kong as well as Shenzhen and He nan.

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For me, it is the first time to be the coordinator! A little nervous and excited!

Yes, as a coordinator, you have to standby always, to connect the organiser with delegates, to take care, wake delegates up and to check numbers…

Three hours sleep…two hours transportation per day…

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However, there is always laughter and joy inside and outside, no matter on bus, in the meeting room or dining hall.

Because we are all young passion persons!

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You know, it is so hard to meet passion persons always. Moreover, it is even harder to travel with them. So I really really consider it as a precious treasure.

Seven days went so fast! Though it is finished and we all went back to our own country, I think this special journey will be remembered in my heart, deeply!

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Good luck,  my dear friends forever!

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mindful

How to Stop Sweating the Small Stuff and Let Go of Your Grudges

By 

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“Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghost of yesterday. Holding a grudge and harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul.” ~Steve Maraboli

You are tired of it, aren’t you?

You find yourself arguing again. You feel anger rising up in you.

You realize there’s no use in trying to explain your position and decide to stop the conversation.

But the topic still buzzes in your head…

This used to define my marriage.

The first few years of my marriage were constant arguing. After each argument my mind would run over and over the things he had done to hurt me, the things I was expecting him to do, the things that I couldn’t trust him with.

I’d spend days without talking to him, my anger festering inside me.

After a couple of days I could still feel those negative feelings eating me inside, so I’d half-heartedly reach out to the “enemy.”

How long could we keep on going like this?

The power struggles, the held grudges, the unhappiness were taking a big toll on our marriage. They were creating distance between us. The strong bond we had was dying.

Finally I asked myself, “Where are we going? Are we going to let grudges ruin our marriage? Is our marriage going to become another statistic?”

After some thinking I realized the arguments were always over minor things, not important values, not the things that made each of us who we were.

Chores were a constant source of grudges for us. I’d expect him to spontaneously help. But he was wired differently. Unless I asked him to do something, he wouldn’t do it.

Why wasn’t he more helpful? Couldn’t he see that I was tired and needed help with the dishes? I’d wait for him to offer to help but he’d just sit at the table.

By the time I was done with the dishes I’d be so mad I’d snap at the first comment he’d make.

It was not a healthy situation.

We finally decided to make some changes. We decided to put our marriage first. To put small differences aside, at least most of the time.

Grudges are poisonous.

Deep down inside you, you know you should vanish them from your mind. They steal your happiness. And bottled up, that anger will rob you of your health, too.

Is it worth it to hold onto grudges?

Of course not!

Avoid Sabotaging Your Happiness

Whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a relative, grudges creep into our relationships. We are imperfect people living with other imperfect people in a very messed up world.

But we get to choose if we are going to put a higher price tag on our relationships and save them from ruin.

Of course, not every relationship is worth saving, but some are.

If you reached the point where you feel you need to decide to stay in the relationship or pull the plug, it will help you to sit down, once your anger is gone, and go through these seven eye-opening points.

1. Decide if you want to win the battle.

At the time of the argument you decided that you couldn’t let go. It was an important issue for you.

Is winning still important? Are you willing to permanently harm your relationship over this disagreement? You may find that the issue is very important or maybe not as much as you thought back then.

It’s up to you to decide.

2. How to evaluate the importance of the argument

You can’t evaluate impartially when you are angry, so don’t be hard on yourself. But once you aren’t angry any more, maybe after a good night sleep, you can continue the healing process.

Then ask yourself, am I compromising my beliefs if I let the grudge go?

In our marriage, I realized our grudges were based on petty things and the solution was within our reach. Communication was the key.

We didn’t change overnight. Years later we still have to work on letting go of grudges every now and then. But gone are the days of constant bickering.

3. The uncertainty of the future

No relationship runs smoothly all the time. You are going to have disagreements in every relationship. It’s part of living with others.

You may wonder, “What if it happens again?”

Grudges will happen again with this person and others. In our marriage disagreements happened again and again and again. We both had to learn how the other person communicated and the best way to work together.

But ask yourself, are you willing to live your life alone? You’d be missing out on a lot of bright, fun, and happy moments.

4. The bitter-sweet reward

If you decide not to let go you’ll keep your ego intact. You “win.” Or do you?

What are you sacrificing? What do you gain by holding on to the grudge?

Sometimes the person you had the discussion with is not someone you should keep in your life, and sometimes it is.

In any case, keeping grudges is not good for your inner peace. Your mind goes down negative circles and that harms you more than anyone else.

5. An act of kindness and self-love

Forgiving someone can be difficult. Of course it depends on what you are forgiving, but it’s still not easy.

But what do you lose by forgiving and letting go of this grudge?

In my life I’ve found that forgiveness can be exercised like a muscle. Small acts of forgiveness, like forgiving someone who cuts you off in traffic, help you become a more forgiving person. It’s liberating and brings healing to your soul.

6. How to figure out where everything fits

Think about the months or years you invested in this relationship, the good times you had together, the great things you found in this person. Is it worth it to harm the relationship because of a disagreement?

How important is the issue in the bigger picture?

Can you let go of the issue? Or, even better, sit together and try to reach an understanding? Hopefully that’ll be the case and you can move on and have a stronger friendship.

My husband and I sat together and put our grudges into perspective. It turned out our problems were not worth the grief they were causing, so we decided to work together to fix them.

After a disagreement, and once we have cooled off, we’d sit to discuss what had happened. We’d analyze what was said, what was implied, and what each had interpreted. We tried to stay as impartial as possible.

I realized I was jumping to conclusions.

We needed to work on our communication. I learned that I couldn’t count on him guessing what I needed. If I wanted him to do something, I needed to clearly ask for it.

It was not easy for me to ask, I was not wired that way, but I saw that when I’d ask for help he would be glad to give it. With time I got better at it and months would go by without disagreements.

We reaped great benefits from those conversations. And our marriage is stronger today.

7. The last part of the process

You’re hesitant to let go. You think that means accepting the other person’s point of view. You think that if you let go you are giving in.

Not true.

Your position doesn’t need to change, but you don’t need to ruin a relationship because of a disagreement.

You just chose to let go. You acted on your best interest to protect your health and inner peace against feelings of anger that want to bring you down.

Decide to Purge Anger from Your Mind

Grudges are like toxic clutter invading your soul and stealing your happiness.

Should you let them run wild?

Bottled up grudges and anger can make you sad and depressed, and they can cause health problems. Are you willing to submit yourself to that?

You can see that to let go of grudges is one smart, sensible, self-preserving decision away.

So choose to end the pernicious cycle of holding grudges and regain your inner peace today。

happiness

How to React Calmly in Stressful or Frustrating Situations

By fafa:

^o^ This period I feel stressed, not only exam, but parents and relationship. Sometimes, I do not know how to respond. Since before in my subconscious, I always labeled my behaviour as right or wrong. What is right or wrong? Other’s behaviour is right? Your own is wrong? Are you kidding?

Why you do not have confidence with yourself? Of course you should have. Everyone’s life is different and to some extent, is unique. How you define other’s life as your rule? You have your own thinking and goals. So stop use the so-called right to band with yourself. Nonsense. Do what makes you happy! Try how to react calmly.

By 

“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” ~Unknown

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Working in an office requires us to spend more time with our co-workers than anyone in our personal life. How those co-workers act can have a big impact on us. Noticing a co-worker’s interactions during a recent marketing job gave me insight into how I react in stressful or frustrating situations outside the office.

My cubicle sat next to a team of individuals who were required to be on the phone nearly every minute they were at their desks. It seemed unimaginable to me that a person could work this way day after day.

I could listen to their conversations as I worked, and was impressed with their finesse at handling difficult conversations, or tact when delivering unfavorable news to their clients on the other end of the phone. I sincerely admired their talents.

One particular day evoked a light-bulb moment for me. A young man named Dan was frustrated with the person he was speaking with on the phone. He stepped into the break room and unloaded his frustration loudly, with hand gestures, a flushed face, pacing, and a string of not-so-kind words.

I didn’t think anything of this type of behavior. To me, it seemed like a natural reaction. It was only after he left the room that I realized no one else saw the situation this way.

I listened to my friends talk about this young man’s behavior as unprofessional and imbalanced. It even caused them to question his worth as a team member. They expressed how this had happened in the past and how he obviously had some problems.

Wow. I knew I had behaved this same way many times in the past.

After that, I started noticing how I reacted to difficult situations. I realized that when my peers were complaining about work, management, co-workers, etc., I took on those feelings. I also could react similar to Dan did when I was frustrated with something I couldn’t control.

I could see it in my home life too. I realized that my reactions to small life occurrences were much more pronounced than my boyfriend’s. This caused friction.

For example, if my boyfriend made a comment about another woman, I would yell, slam doors, and exaggerate about how much the comment had hurt me.

My behavior made me look small and out of control to my mate. He said nothing after the first time, but after the twentieth time, he didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

Why did I blow things out of proportion? Looking back, I realize I was feeling vulnerable and scared when I behaved this way.

How could my responses be more in line with my mate, co-workers, and others? I knew what it was like to be around irritated, riled people, since that was my experience growing up. Not much fun. I didn’t want to be that person for anyone else.

It helped me to realize I’d been modeling the over-the-top reactions I’d witnessed during my early years. It’s what I’d been taught. .

After asking my friends how they would have handled certain difficult situations, and tuning into myself, I found six techniques that help me react calmly. As a result of applying these ideas, I’m now leading a much happier life.

1. Train yourself to notice your physical feelings in stressful situations.

Notice when you start to feel clammy, fidgety, tight in the chest, outside of yourself, or any other physical discomfort. The more you practice noticing how you feel physically, after someone has said something upsetting, for example, the better you will be able to understand and alter your reactions.

In time, you will be better able to sense when something is emotionally affecting you by noticing the physical manifestations.

As you feel them, visualize the negative physical feelings running down your body and out your fingertips and toes.

For instance, your co-worker gets high praise for a project for which you provided key input. You receive nothing. You might notice your breath start to quicken and recognize that this physical reaction is a sign of defensiveness. You could then visualize your breath slowing and the defensiveness running down your body and out your toes.

2. Be aware of when people around you begin to get upset.

Once you’ve trained yourself to notice your physical feelings, look outwardly to how others react physically. Is your co-worker speaking more quickly, or does he maybe have a flushed face? Has she started to re-arrange items on her desk, or is she fidgeting in her chair?

As you become aware of physical behaviors that can signal agitation, dislike, etc., you can train yourself to leave that negative feeling with the person feeling that way.

That negative feeling is theirs. Let them have it. Don’t engage.

Visualize the negative feeling as a box, and leave it squarely on the other person’s lap. Think to yourself, “Let go,” then slowly blow out air while thinking, “gooooo.” This is an instant calming technique.

I eventually became able to use this “box” technique in my relationship with my boyfriend. If he’s upset with me, I now quickly assess whether I’ve been unkind, inconsiderate, judgmental, or whatever he’s accused me of being.

If I know I have, I own up to it right away and apologize. But if his accusation isn’t true, then I can see his it’s coming from how he’s feeling about himself. If that’s the case, I leave the box with him.

I try to to help him figure out how he’s feeling. I speak calmly and leave a lot of room for him to speak, so as to be a good listener. But I don’t take on his feelings as my own.

Remember their feelings are not your “box”—not your problem.

3. Spend plenty of time quiet and alone.

Another technique to calm how you react in difficult situations is to build up your bank of quiet, stress-free air. Visualize the air surrounding you when you’re calm, thinking positive thoughts. Give the calm air a color—pale blue, pink, or whatever.

Now, visualize the air going into a large bank. Test out different amounts of quiet time each week. Maybe for you, ten minutes a day fills up your bank. Maybe thirty minutes of quiet reflection each Saturday is enough to calm you throughout the week. Make it right for you.

For centuries monks, clergy, nuns, and lay people have practiced silence. When quiet, a person can reflect, re-charge, and center oneself. Each time you sit in silence, remember, you’re depositing more quiet, calm air into your serenity bank.

4. Commune with nature daily.

As you hear the quiet, notice the natural breeze and visualize it carrying away any heavy emotions that weigh you down. I guarantee you will start to feel physically lighter as the breeze blows your troubles away.

Researchers found a decrease in both heart rate and levels of cortisol in subjects in the forest when compared to those in the city (as reported in the Environmental Health and Preventative Medicine).

Take in nature through your pores so you can carry it with you to that boardroom, with fluorescent lights and stale air.

5. Journal about worries.

Journaling through any worries can diffuse negative thoughts. When worry is becoming prominent, first write down the concrete facts of the situation. What do I know for sure? Not what I think may be the case, just the facts. Can you see why this is upsetting to you? Next, write the worst possible outcome.

After seeing the worst-case scenario, walk through the solutions that are available to you. Have you ever been in a situation where you felt as helpless or worried? Remind yourself how you made it through that situation, and that you’ll find a solution for today’s worry too. If you don’t have time to write, use these same techniques in your thoughts.

6. Keep your muscles strong.

We’ve all heard that we release endorphins when we exercise. Let this be a reminder to consciously use these hormones when you need it.

I find it easier to work out when I think of the emotional benefit I’ll receive from the physical exercise.

For example, while practicing yoga or Pilates, the stretching, the slow muscle movement, the blood flow to large muscles as they work hard, all bring our thoughts to the present. Focusing on your body movement is a great way to let go of whatever is on your mind.

It may have taken me four decades to realize I reacted unfavorably because of my early home environment, but I’ll hopefully have four decades to practice a new way of reacting.

If we foster calm in our lives as much as we can, when a situation occurs, we will have the tools and techniques to react calmly and wisely.